Fighting My Own Thoughts

After long, I think I found my weakness, and the hardest part of this is that I have to admit
I am in the verge of this close to become my mother;
Negative Thinking

This morning an event triggered my negative thinking again
He gave something (that I do not want to know) to his new assistant and a co-worker,
but not me
I know, I should not be jealous or angry about it
I should not expect anything
Then my thoughts raced and before I can stop, it developed into negative thoughts,
lonely thoughts
that this person only be kind only when he knows he will need people`s help
that to him, it is not important to be nice to people that he does not need any longer
that to him, it is normal to throw away a relationship,
that he does not want to be related with me whatsoever
that he only acts nice to me in front of Sensei, so he will see that we do not have any issues,

or, even when my sensei knows the real problem, that it is not him that causes the problem,
but me

that I can not understand Japanese people.
that I tried very hard to understand them, why they can`t understand me, at least try!
I am not Japanese, do not expect me to act like one.
.

On the other hand, he can be so nice and some times I feel that they were genuine.
In very small numbers.
Like when I have to go back to Indonesia, and I did not, at first, tell him anything.
Only told Sensei. I did not know whether Sensei asked him to help me or he saw the condolence envelope
from my Sensei at my desk. Nevertheless, at that time, I can feel his genuine kindness.
Sometimes it feels so fake.

Then again, my logic told me, they were all in my mind
And you can not label people based on what you feel or think,
You are not even allowed to label or judge people.
It will bring no good to have negative thinking on people,
It definitely makes things worse.
And the fact that I will not be a Japanese, they to can not be Indonesian,
so I can  not expect them to act like Indonesian people.
And when it seems to be impolite for Indonesian people, it might not the case for Japanese;
so, I  too, should not be easily offended.
I know I have to stop
but the hurt feels real in my heart.
The only thing that makes me sane is to remember that God loves me,
that although, it might be true if he does not like me anymore,
It should not take my happiness and joy from my life.
he is not my source of happiness.
God is.

Fighting your own thoughts can be such a toll
I hope God gives me more strength to bear it
and to survive this battle.
I hope I can get out from this battle stronger, so maybe,
in the future, I can help those who have the same problem like me

One month

It has been one month since she left forever

I still automatically says her name (and oma ota's name) in my prayer;

I just realized that I do not have recent photo with her; a little bit regret remained in my heart

`Unofficial` Mothers

As you knew, I just lost two women that played important role in my life.

A grandmother (my grandmother`s sister)

and an Aunty...moreover, A godmother.

While my sister can make tributes to them beautifully

I found myself could not do it.

I felt a slight guilt about it.

But, today, I think the only thing that I can do and I want to do is

pondering on their lives.

Until they finally met their God, they are not married.

Despite of that, they have been a terrific mother to me, my sisters, and cousins.

Silently, Oma Ota, in her absence of words, only voices,

She has served the family with all of her might

I and her sometimes had a fight, maybe because she and I did not understand each other, most of the times, 

because of her disability and my impatience.

She cared about us,

She helped right about everything 

about household matters,

looking after the children, while our parents out working,

making sure we eat our food.

washing the clothes,

ironing,

making up our bed

especially when the maid were out of town for the Ied vacation.

She can not hear us, yet, she understood our needs; with or without gestures,

She was the queen of neat, sometimes we even got trouble in finding our things because she already make all of the things stored so it will not be that messy.

On the other hand, Mama Grace, has been a vibrant career woman,

She has served the family with laughter, words, and even songs.

As my sister said, she has been a cool aunt for us

She has been our `running place` when we were not in a good mood with our own mother,

We told her our secrets (although probably she would tell her sister about those things xD )

She took us to cool places

To me (and I think to my sisters and cousins too), she is our role model

Personally, at some point, I really want to be like her

I do not even mind if I will not get married,

I want to be like her,

my friend, even said, she has been her role model also.

a living proof, that even without any relationship, she survived the pressure of being unmarried

Even to her subordinates, she was like their mother, protecting them yet nurturing them

with hard way, making them stronger.

Their lives made me think

You do not have to be married to be a mother

If you are married and can be a mother, good for you!

And I do not discredit every biological mother in this world, including my own mom. 

But I want to give the high credit, as high as towards all the biological mother,

to all 'unofficial' mothers in the world

They who are not married

yet, have been serving others, consciously or unconsciously,

As a mother

Women who are not  married yet

  give ears to those who needs to be heard

  give advices to those who are in doubtful situation

 let their nieces stay overnight after having fights with their loved ones

 encourage their ordinates to overcome the obstacles and always at their best in doing their responsibilities

 serve with songs

 serve in silence

 pray everyday for people they love

 are very annoying when their nieces haven`t got new dresses for some special occasions

 buy presents for the family members during Christmas

 get angry when you do not do your homework, get home late, being irresponsible, or even, when you have annoying hairstyle.

To those `unofficial` mothers in this world,

Be proud!

Society might underestimate or mock you because you have not married yet,

People might accuse you of being putting standard too high,

too busy chasing your career,

too fool to turn down the marriage offer from someone you know is not for you

too selfish

Well, they can say whatever they want

But they can not take away

your unconditional love

your people who love you for your sacrifice you have done for them

Always remember,

You are always loved.

God bless you.