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Friday, March 29, 2013

Taking Doctoral Course

I ate lunch with my friend today under the sakura tree in front of my new building
We then talk about what we have learnt during our study as a doctoral student.
We talked about our burden as a foreign student and sometimes it can be quite crappy with the supervisors.

Then she told me when she watched the PhD movie, there was this one scene in which a master course student told the professor that he/she wanted to continue with the doctoral course. The professor then said that taking this kind of decision is like taking decision to enter a marriage with 70 percent possibility of divorce. My friend said that was a true story. In fact, she is now facing through `a divorce` with her supervisor. That surprised me in a way since I too have a problem with mine. We arrived at a conclusion in which I feel like a confirmation of what I have learnt a couple of days ago, which is, sometimes there are relationships that does not end well. And sometimes it is not entirely our fault. When we have tried our best to maintain the relationship but the other party does not give any effort with the same level, the chances are none but going downhill. Staying together will only make things worse and result in bigger damage. In her case, her physical health, in my case, mental state.

Different culture sometimes can be a big deal. Especially, if only one person has been outside the country. That person may adapt easier or at least more flexible than the other that only know one part of the world for the rest of his/her life. As a result, this kind of gap leads to misunderstandings. Actually, it can be overcome by communicating or confirming or discussing. However, in some culture that considers confrontation ( even the healthy one ) as a big no no and a threat to the entire member harmony, this party then tends to retract him/herself or avoid the problems or the person with she/he has the problem instead of trying to solve it. Finally, well, you know how the rest of the story will be. Another thing what I learnt also is that, as a foreign, no matter how right you think you are, no matter how nice and (seemingly) understand a native can be to you, the person will only be the same side of the other native. After all, you are the foreign one. So, do not take it personally.

I said to her but sometimes I can not deny the guilty feeling of making that kind of decision.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough.
If only I can be more patient.
But my friend then said, if there is only one thing she learnt these 3 years, that would be
sometimes it is ok (and healthy) to say no on something.
There is a limit as a person you can not bear
Try to cross will only destruct yourself
On that very moment, you just have to know your limit
and stop forcing yourself


Well, this is the bad side that you might experience during taking a doctoral course.
Abroad, especially.
It might not scientifically affected you as a researcher
but as a human being, apparently, it affects your life.
So do not overlook this kind of problem
When you know, as a team, you are not working it out
It might as well be the time to quit it
You will not hinder your former partner, and so won`t he/she.
In my case, thankfully, I do not have to state it directly to my big boss
(I desperately wanted to but at that time I consider I will put his career or position at the line, and I might be the enemy of the state)
As my senpai said, he might have known from other parties. Or probably from him (which is not fair since that would mean he did not confirm it to me about what happened)
And, as you know, the decision for me has been made.


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Giving Up

Yesterday, I found out that we will be officially in different group
But there was something bothered me when sensei said that I have to cooperate with him on some course. So, I decided to ask himself to confirm until which part we are going to collaborate.
And with a cold and very intense facial expression, he said to me, `I will only work on this thing, about that thing, it will be all for you for your academic sake. I will not work on that at all.`
I have to say, I was a little bit shock because the tone on his voice told me that he really does not want anything to do with me anymore whatsoever. On the other side, I was a little bit relieved, since that means his bullying attitude on me will be officially over. He will not and can not bully me at all with his hot and cold attitude. And then he left.

Later, my senior came and we talked about the result of the meeting. 
I told him what happened. Out of my expectation, he said,
`Well that is what you hope for right? You want to work by yourself. I think Sensei also understood that there was something wrong with your relationship and it was hard to collaborate.That was because everyone know already. `
I was shocked (again)
I feel so misunderstood. 
First of all, the reason I want to break free was because he did not change despite of my efforts to improve myself in order to improve my relationship with him. I can not stand his bullying attitude me in which he excluded me starting from the experiment and socially. 
Moreover, that was not because I entirely want to work alone. He cleverly conditioned me to do things and work alone. So, on the eyes of the others, they will see I only want to work alone. 
Secondly, it appears the more I talk the more I became so misunderstood. Yet, on the other side, if I do not talk, people will think I am OK, while I AM NOT with things he did towards me. Nevertheless, my opinion appeared was not considered as important as his or any other members that might influence sensei`s opinion towards me. This kind of thing made me feel, again, despite of my staying here almost three years, I will always be the outsider, although everyone try to convince me that this lab is your family. That I am not alone. It is so contradicting. 

Then, I asked him what should I do towards him, acting like he was a stranger?
he said to me it was not necessary like that, besides, if the relationship getting worse, everyone around me will be in trouble. 
Well, I am not the one who try to worsen this thing.
I tried my best to be more cheerful, to give him space, not talking or asking him private or unnecessary thing!
Every single effort that I do did not change his response to be friendlier, at least, closer with his attitude one and a half year ago. 
and then my senpai said, `well, he is already an adult`
I was silenced at the moment. Excuse me!!! in which part of his attitude refers to adulthood?
Are you trying to say that I am not an adult?
In my logic, if an adult have a problem, well, you try to clarify, confront, and finish it with benefit for both of the party. That was not happening in my case and him. 
I said to him I can not act like he is a stranger because of the good things happened between us one and half years ago. and silently in my heart, I say because unlike him, I can not throw away a friend. 
He tried to be on that person side saying, `you have to know that he was also trying to be good at you. you have to understand that. Sometimes, although both of you try to improve with your own way, the result will not be any better. Things like that happened.`
Then I lost it. 
I cried in front of my senpai, saying, `It was like. After all these things happened, it has to end like this. It was such a pity.`
Senpai said, `maybe he also has given this up. Maybe because you did not do things he wanted you to do. He told you, but you won`t listen. For example about your earphone. You still did that eventhough he said to you he did not like it.`
`i have my reasons, I did that to calm my thoughts and my stress. Without that, I can not handle my stress. I can not do anything without it. Besides, for things that I know I have to aware, I did it without the music.`
Senpai said he understood, but may be that person will not.
Besides, on the other hand, I know he did his operation hearing radio, he also sometimes did his experiment hearing music. It was like licking your own saliva,right??!?!?!
It was not fair.
We talked some more I could not remember. Then my senpai said, `may be you have to give up all of your efforts. The only thing you can do right now is to change yourself from within, be happy and cheerful. Be polite and kind to him regardless his response would be bad or good. Act like you want to act.`, he then continued, `besides, he was not a bad person, you know.`
I still want to believe it too. But his attitudes were contradictive with what my senpai believed. 
You know, he has an advantage of an image of good person. 
No one will ever trust me about things that he had done to me.
That was because no one has witnessed them.
I guess that was a thing of being bullied.
You can not talk. 
You can only be silence about it.
The more you talk the more you will suffer.

Anyway, back to the topic
at the very least, this awkward moment will end soon within these weeks.
I think my senpai is right
My attitude should not be influenced by his response. 
It will not be better, let alone the same like it used to
But I have things to look forward on to. 
I still have friends that I can lean on 
And of course, I still have God. 
I have to forgive and forget 
the last part is the most difficult thing to do. 
I consult with a friend in my country to, what should I do to a person who is not even trying to improve our relationship. Should I stop trying? What would Jesus do?
Then his answered hit me, `You know the pharisee? in the end, Jesus leave them with their stubbornness. He let them believe in what they want to believe. He had done everything he done. But when they still reject everything He offered, it ended just like that. 
Another confirmation about what should I do about this
Giving it up


Saturday, March 23, 2013

Crying

Just got home after having dinner with lab member
And cried
I am not sure whether because this is the last time I hang out with my senpai and kouhai
Or the fact that i still cant believe how I and him have been separated far away
Or the hopeless feeling that there will be no more chance to repair the broken bond.
Or just an accumulation of everything
Or just hormon
Secretly, I wish I could come back to two years ago



Thursday, March 21, 2013

Us and You

Sometimes my own thoughts amazed me, especially after this tough one and half years,
Before, I was so confident with myself, that being a foreigner was not even a problem for me
when trying to socialize with the japanese around me. 
However, after `that confrontation` which I meant only to clarify things without any intention to state `I hate you` and I only wanted to find solution ` happened, it seems that there is no other way but down hill. 
The worst part is that I really do not know anymore which is true which is not.
Have I been living in a world that does not really exist?
Have I been thinking too much, it draws me further from reality? 
I guess, what people consider as over-thinking, to me is actually an effort trying to understand whether I did was wrong or not, since I learnt from my previous mistake of expressing my true feeling in japanese society. 
And because I found such paradoxical thing in reality.
For instance people say that I am allowed to be as I am, that I can act as Indonesian as I can be without too much consideration, but in practice, I can sense an unspoken gesture of interaction withdrawal at the same time when I eventually act like that. In the end, I can not sense any feeling but `Us and you` . 
It grows even bigger in the fact that I am the only one who is a foreigner here.
And even though I tried as much as I can to be involved with them despite of the language barrier (also with a fear of stepping too far, violating their own private boundaries)
the only thing that I sense from most of them (not all of them), is rejection.
Maybe the did not mean that, maybe they just did not want to put the same burden as they would put among their own  because as a foreigner, I was considered not necessary to carry 
the same weight of social obligation.
But, then again, it brings me to the realization that I fear the most which is 
being left out
being set aside
being a gaijin
This would then lead me into a satan`s circle of over-thinking, confusion, self-withdrawal, and depression. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

One Journal A Day

I have made my mind at the beginning of the year that I will read at least one journal a day
as well as I will devote a fair time for my private devotion.
It has been three months, yet, I can not do this properly
I write this as a reminder.
Today, I am not succeeded.
YET.
But let`s see tomorrow, hopefully, I can fulfill my promise to myself and God


Monday, March 18, 2013

All Or Nothing

I can not hide my disappointment
when my senpai said that the seat are already decided
Again, I feel being left out,
they decide it without even asking me.
The one that bothers me a lot, it is like my opinion
is not important
my senpai said, that was because T-san already decided that he and S-san will sit side by side
then, my senpai thought he will take the desk beside them.
Thus, I will sit across three of them
The fact that they decided themselves added the feeling of throwing me outside the circle
Am I being of bitch thinking this way?
I state my objection and my reason including my feeling of being set aside.
My senpai said he did not thought I will be that objected, then he asked, whether it is ok if I sit in the same line with T-san and S-san. I said, I have no problem with it, I said.
But then I feel bad, since probably he then will see me as a spoiled person.

The other incident was, when my senpai said that from april, we can not be that noisy.
And then he said while looking at me, `that means also we can not listen music with big volume`
then he continued, "like you always do when you hear music."
"But that was when no one here, right?" I answered
"but when you listen to your ipod you always listen with big volume everyone can hear"
"I prefer you said that from the beginning."
"It is because Japanese people do not say if they think they do not mind."
And I was speechless. I was like, yeah but then you brought this thing up in front of the people or talked behind my back. Then, it was like that was my last straw.
I do not think I can really understand japanese people.
I tried to but apparently in the end, I am always will be the outsider.
I am tired of trying to be their part, if it will only end with being misunderstood.
Or were these all my "all or nothing" way of thinking?
I am just tired to think this kind of way yet when something happens it will connect this way.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

White Day

As you know, one month after valentine`s day, there`s white day
It is actually a day that marked solely as an `answer day` from v-day.
It is started in Japan. You can see the history from here
Today, I got three gifts. Other lab members also bring some delicious cookies,
another member made a nice roll cake since she will retire after the march ends.
They are from my former supervisor, my sensei, and one of my Indonesian friend (the two later were actually out of my expectation) XD






Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Combating My Own Depression


So I was quite free yesterday.
We were moving on samples only not doing any experiment.
And then again, the sadness hits again right after he says no for my offering to help him
Plus, when I saw yesterday`s pic his face looked sad
Is it maybe because of me?
Ok, stop it!
So I found this scientific article entitled `Cognitive behavioural approaches to the patients suffering from depression due to maladjustment in the work place: Two case reports` by Masahito Tomotake, Masao Okura, and Hiromichi Okabe. I can see myself reading the patients` problem. Although, I do not think I need any medication. However, I found that the talk therapy and self reflection were quite effective. So I think I might try to do it by myself.
I give myself thoughts of having professional therapist but I don`t think it will be effective if he/she can not speak and understand English.
First, I have to identify which level of depression I am now, based on Beck Depression Inventory, I am in mild mood disturbance.
Second, I have to record my automatic negative thinking and emotional reasoning events in order to recognize what disturbs me and try to confront it with more logical reasoning.
Let`s see how it goes

Monday, March 11, 2013

Graduation Gown Glory

So, my university has this pretty much unfair policy, in which, although they receive students in two different semester, they only hold one graduation ceremony. And it is only for those who enroll on spring semester. So for students who happen to enroll in fall, we will not have that ceremony even though we can still have our diploma.

That was why, when I graduated last september, I did not attend to any ceremony, let alone taking pic with graduation gown. So it was pretty much a bummer. You graduated, yet, you did not feel like you really graduated. I heard once that the reason was actually simple that was because not many students enroll in fall semester, so they do not hold any graduation ceremony on september (err....do you know that the reason why students do not enroll on fall MIGHT BE because YOU DO NOT HOLD any fall graduation ceremony????)

Then, my friend suggested to apply for the gown rent. I checked for master graduation gown. Principally, I did not lie. I have graduated. It was not like I was pretending I graduated from master anyway. Yet, my application was rejected. Shoot! They said that was because I did not enroll in spring. I tried to convince my International Student Division staff, she understood how I felt but then she could not do anything.

For those who thought that this kind of complaint was stupid
and I am being a bitch about it,
I can not blame you.

But, here`s a thing
in my country, where having a master or PhD degree is a privilege,
and not many people can achieve it,
making memories about it is still considered important. 
You have no idea, how someone would spend so many in order to make sure everything go well
on graduation day. 
It is also a pride for the family. For your parents especially.
So now you might understand a little bit how I felt when I found out I can not rent this thing.
I was enrolled in October. 
So obviously, I will never have a chance for wearing that gown.
Well, you can actually came to the graduation party of your friend who graduated on April.
But, you will need an invitation.
So, unless you are a family or a wife/husband of the graduating student.
You might as well not want to give the idea a chance.

Bummer!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Sweet Obssesion

I realized a new passion recently; making sweet dessert!
As much as enjoying dessert, making one makes me feel happy. It is as if I can litterally feel the sweetness of the dessert washes away the bitterness of life << call me exaggerating, but that is how I feel!
Some took a lot of efforts, but there is nothing better than seeing people happy after eating your dessert, and nothing more satisfying than enjoying your own handwork (^O^)/

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Stranger`s Point of View


Forgive me for posting ramblings and rantings about being a foreigner in this blog recently.
I have been living here for almost three years, yet, I have never felt this kind of stress before,
at least, not for the first one and half years. First, everything seemed so beautiful and things 
fall into their right places. I mean what can be more perfect than being able to mingle with the natives, talking them occasionally using their native language, got invited to some events, I obviously can not ask for more. But that changed after the arrival of one particular new member, (and probably because of the fact, that i am not the new girl in the house anymore). There are things that just do not make sense to me, and i am so frustrated because I can not do anything about those things. If I do something about them, I will `violate` the structure or even border, and will be assumed selfish or inconsiderate. If I don`t, it affects my work and even personal life.
I have actually posted some of the things that to me feel so weird (and also some of them, unacceptable), here
Now, I want to inform you some points that you have to consider when you are dealing with the natives here,

1. No matter how hard you try acting as similar as the natives do, they will still consider you as a 
   foreigner. The outsider.
   Do not expect they will include you within the circle just because you can speak japanese quite 
   good. In the outside, they may act like they accept you, yet, that is not entirely true.
   And when it happens, do not blame yourself. It happens to every foreigner. At least most of
   my foreign friends also have the same experiment 
   It is not your fault.
   You are stranger. Just suck it. Acceptance is the only way out.

2. What I just learnt from my senpai also is that he told me about the difference term of `family`
   in workplace. In my country, if you consider someone as a family member, it means you have
   consider your relationship with that person is deep. Here, that is not always the case. Even if 
   you are considered as part of the group aka `family`, it does not mean you have deep 
   relationship with them. They do not want to get too close, because they do not want to get 
   hurt or hurt people. I guess that is pathetic. 

3. They are not used to say `no`. They are not used to reject anything, even though you do not 
    like it or neutral about something. That is because they merely want to maintain the
    relationship. Not necessary because of wanting to be friend with you. and this will bring us to 
    the next point,

4.  Hierarchy is everything. Your boss can think whatever he wants to think although it might not
    be true. Once your boss or higher rank asks you, you are not expected to say no. And so, the 
    next occasion when they have any occasion you are already considered to come. Always. 
    They scared if they put it down, they will loose their relation with that important person. It is 
     said as `tsukiai culture.` You just accompany them, not necessarily because you really want 
    to.
    From these two recent points, you learnt that do not assume too fast when they seem to 
    invite you. Do not expect more. Because whenever you and that person do not have anything 
    to do anymore. It ends right there. Again, it is not your fault.

5. So from these two, you know that they do not express what they actually feel. My friend`s 
   friend who has graduated said to her that they have different face in house, workplace,
   and with their friends. You will find them act totally different in different occasion. They are
   brought up that way, especially men. So, do not expect you know anything about them, even 
   though you consider yourself close to him. They ask you to be yourself, without thinking too 
   much, 
, but, how will you not think too much, when they slowly treat you like a stranger after they create a welcoming environment? You will start to ask yourself what did I do wrong? What does he/she really mean when he/she said that considering they are brought up not to express your real thinking???
Does he really want to go or not? Does she really want to be my friend or just act nice for the sake of hospitality? Of course you will think that much, given such conditions.
6. You may state your concern or problem to them or those who are in higher rank and expect 
   them to understand you. But, do not expect them to change as you want or suggest. 
   It is your problem since you are the one who enter their circle. It is you who have to adjust. 
   If you expect them to change (although for their own good or for the sake of your relationship 
   to get better), you are the one who are selfish.


I came first with this hope of getting real friends from this country. Is it because my character? Or is it because the culture clash. Apparently, the possibility is quite small. 
So small, I think I have given up the idea of it. Well, I guess, I think too much. 
Again.


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The strict world of ikebana

When I was first introduced to M-sensei in the church, she often invited me to ikebana exhibition.
I can not afford to reject the invitation, besides, I enjoy seeing flowers.
She was excited to see me have interest in ikebana, so she offered me for ikebana lesson.
However, that time, it is difficult to find spare time even in Saturdays since I have to stay in lab doing experiment with my supervisor. Then, we never talk about that thing again. But, I still come to her ikebana exhibition invitations.

One half year later, S-san invited me to see ikebana exhibition. At that time, she and Sa-san encouraged me to have ikebana lesson. S-san then offered me to go with her since she goes
to ikebana class. I received her invitation directly. Besides, the class does not require me to come everytime. Although I have to pay every time I come. After second attendance, S-san said that N-sensei offered me to teach me adult ikebana rather than only junior ikebana since I still have about 3 years staying in Japan.

It went well. 
Until, last Sunday, I was invited first by S-san to come to the Ikenobo, 
the next day, M-sensei invited me to the same event.
I said to her, yes, I will come to see my friend
who will also participate in that exhibition.
She said she will also participate
I said, good timing, I will come to the same exhibition to see my friend`s 
so I will go see hers also.

WRONG DECISION!

First, I thought I will greet S-san first then I will spend the rest of the day with M-sensei.
I called S-san when I arrived but she didn`t answer
so I changed the plan, and I called M-sensei.
After meeting her, we decided to see around, and while she was explaining,
S-san and N-sensei came
At first, I occasionally introduced each other
But, then, I can sense something is not right
I can tell M-sensei was not quite happy.
N-sensei left me and S-san first, while M-sensei was talking to other person that suddenly came
Phew! that was very awkward
Later, I found out from M-sensei that she and N-sensei has different point of view
about ikebana so they separate although N-sensei learnt ikebana from her mother.
Long story short, I made it through the day

However,
Today, S-san came to me and apologize saying that 
N-sensei can not accept me coming to her class again
since M-sensei was actually mad at her, accusing her
`stealing` her student
I felt guilty when S-san told me that, especially N-sensei.
I did not mean to made her feel that way
I made a huge mistake, but I can do nothing about it.
I asked S-san to explain and say sorry for me to N-sensei
I did not mean to end like this
S-san said that ikebana world is an old culture, 
so it is quite strict.
If you have your own style and not fit with your teacher,
you will get out and form your own style and find your own student.
S-san said that N-sensei is not that strict compared to M-sensei,
, she can tolerate new style and try to adjust it so it is still within basic rules of ikebana, 
so she first thought she will be a suitable teacher for me 
who is still beginner. However, since M-sensei offered me first,
N-sensei will not dare taking the risk having me as a student.
Oh well, you can not learn from two different teacher.

On top of all,I should have come at separate day >_<


Saturday, March 2, 2013

Racism (in Japan)

I just want to support what Medama-Sensei wants to spread about,
I also do not accuse all of the Japanese is racist, IT IS NOT my intention to post this
Racism happens not only in Japan, yet also, in my own country, Indonesia
I think it happens everywhere around the world
I think the main reason people can become so racist is that they are so insecure with themselves
they have to make people feel insecure with their nature so they can feel better or special, while the fact is in the end people are the same, beside, we are all skeletons under our skins

Part 1
Part 2

Being Alienated

So after having another `deep conversation` with him again.
He convinced me that I am not alone,
that he never has in his mind that `I better off while he`s around`
and I can talk the way I talk with my senpai
But today, I saw him, slipped out without saying anything
I thought first, maybe they are going for the drink 
you know, staff only gathering.
But then, I was shocked seeing my senpai also coming
It means, I am the only one who is not invited
My mind soon races, 
`so this is how you say you are not alone?`
`so this is how you say, i am part of the group?`
I was actually convinced that although I am a stranger
as long as I act nice, speak japanese,
and do everything as japanese as can be,
I will be accepted, at least to my little group with him
At least, at first, I felt that way,
but after another one half year later, I think I am left alone
maybe because of things I did
and those things offended them, although they are not straightforward
or maybe because of the conflict I had with him
(and as a stranger, although I have my reason, I will always be the bitch,
while he will be forever innocent, and everyone will always be on his side
no matter what happens)
So, really, I think I am pretty much fed up with
`togetherness` they praise so much
I think it only applies to their own people,
to strangers, it only applies at the beginning,
maybe I might just act like a real stranger,
not bothering trying to fit in at all,
just like my Chinese senpai,
maybe I should just try to speak in English
just to make the border becomes very obvious

Gosh, I think too much
maybe they do not hate me,
they just do not me to go with them because I am pretty much poor
I can not afford the place they go
maybe they see me being too busy 
to socialize anymore
Well, I find it very hard to think positive right now,
or even, recently.

Well, I guess, I just need more dose of SNL 
to make me feel better








Friday, March 1, 2013

Rejection

Reflecting my life, after all these years, now I am pretty much sure
that my biggest fear and weakness is rejection
It sometimes leads me also into paranoid state
It actually does not matter if the people who reject me
are those who are not close to me,
it actually makes me a little bit easy because 
I do not feel attached to them.
However, the damage will be quite massive if the people
are those who I consider close to me 
and when I think that I has lost my trust in them
due to their attitude,
I will tend to keep thinking negatively constantly
I know this is not good
But I can not deny it, once I lost it, I will be extremely sensitive towards
every single word or attitude from that person 
My brain automatically analyzes it as if they have other hidden meaning
Weird, isn`t it?

I wonder if I have been that possessive towards people
that I am so insecure when loosing their attention?
Or is it maybe because, unconciously, I have been lonely, and
now should realize that I need a `soulmate` 
to love and share with me? 
........
Nah... 
....
I`m not sure for the later reason.

Anyway,
Some friends have warned me not to think too much
They are right, whenever I think too much, my energy is drained,
and so is my focus. And that is not good.
But it happens.
I even have experienced literally exhausted only by thinking too much,
my brain feels like to explode anytime soon, so exhausting,
you just like want to shut down and sleep for a very long time
It is quite depressing actually,
since sometimes it only takes one simple moment, and my mind will race
into so many thoughts and feelings in no time; and when it is a bad moment
it is quite destructive for myself 

Actually I have never been like this before,
Maybe that is because I live in a foreign country,
I feel like I have to be extra careful so I will not make any mistake
or things that might offend them.
Sometimes this works, sometimes not.
Sometimes I am too careful, I end up doing nothing 
I am too busy hiding within myself thinking how should I act.
I have been in some trouble in socializing especially with particular person.
Misunderstanding is the main problem
I really want to act like I did. 
Freely. 
No assumption. 
Not caring what other think.
But again, I guess, you can not do that since you live with other people
You should be sensitive towards each other, right?
although not overly.
As a stranger, you just want to feel accepted
although you have to realize, the place you are in now
is not a place where you belong,
so it is actually normal if you feel that you will never be a part of them
it is normal to feel that way
and it is not your fault.
Sometimes it does not always mean rejection.
No matter how hard you try to adjust,
in the end you are still a triangle among squares.

Sorry, my mind was racing away from the topic XD
anyway, I am pretty pissed of since satan really knows my weakness
and now he attacks me, quite often. 
and the intensity is pretty much growing within this time.
for quite long time (uhm, almost two years, I guess)
in my faith, to encounter this kind of feeling
you have to believe in Jesus and 
that only His overflowing love can fulfill your need of love
so whenever you feel rejected and therefore, not being loved,
you have to remember it and you have to be content
with His love.
That should be enough.
A very simple principle, hard to practice it T-T
particularly, when you are not in your comfort zone, where you are sure
you are among those who really care about you and love you
there is no other way to remind yourself.