Part of me

Please forgive me being a mellow person today
I just have to let this out
Bear with me


Today, I realized a part of me died that day;
I can still feel the pain of losing it even now
Today, I cried because of that
Obviously, I can't move on from that day

On that very day, I started to doubt meaning of teamwork on that particular place
After all we have been through together, you did not want me be there to support you, instead, you choose someone that just came and said I do not have anything to do with you

Since then, I always asked myself before every single thing I did, whether I have stopped your boundaries, until which point I have 'anything to do with you'?
Do I still belong there?
I have trouble trusting you anymore
Eventhough you said to a friend you still think I belong to your group
And that you have been shocked to the fact I was scared to you

A friend said it's a cultural problem
I watched too many drama and anime
This is the real japan, it's a alot more different compared the japan I know from those media;
I have to adjust with them
But on the other hand, he said I should be myself
Well, myself is not japanese!
I can adjust, but I too have a limit
As far as I try to adjust
Why not also try to understand me ??

I am now incomplete;
I wanted to picked that up
So I can be a whole again
Yet, it's a long and hurtful journey to get there,
I am not sure I really want to take the step

Gastrological Happiness: Shabu-Shabu

Another earthly happiness

Attention whore

Actually this started from a random thought.

I think I have been an attention whore sometimes
Especially in updating my status in fb last year
when I have this depression because of him
At first, i thought I was just releasing my stress
writing I really want to say but can not say
in`the real world`, secretly, wanting someone would comment
and encourage me with their words.
But, then, a friend said to me that my status
are starting to make people worried
I did not care the first time
I just want to let my feeling out
and that is my fb account, no one can forbid me
what I want to write
Then, I realized, as times went by, she indicated directly that
it started to be annoying.
Then, it hit me..
I became an attention whore

picture is taken from here

So, I started to analyze myself

Why I become an attention whore?

Well there are some hypotheses that could be explanation.

After watching a couple of times documentaries about serial killer (what is the relationship, irene?!?!?!1), I learnt that all disturbing behaviors root from childhoold experience.

I think I have this kind of wanting attention feeling since my first sister was born. Suddenly, I was not my parents main attention anymore. It sometimes made me feel being treated not fair. If something wrong happened to my sister,  I always became the scapegoat. Back then, I was not that smart either  (am now too, actually), I even got a lower IQ points than my sister, that also made my self esteem low. I need to feel that I am loved and I need the attention to make me feel worthy and better. She stole their attention from me. All of their attention are for the little sister. Then I learnt, if I get good grades, I kind of `steal` the attention back for me.  So, I grew up with thinking I have to be the best so I can make them satisfied. It was a kind of wrong way of thinking. A childish one. Took a couple of times to adjust and understand that they still love you as much as they love your sister and that they were teaching me to be responsible for my sister. And that they love you for you not because of something you have achieved. When my second little sis born, fortunately, I do not feel that kind of feeling again towards my sisters.

Yet, I can not deny the same insecurity still haunts me sometimes

Second, despite of my major personality being a very sanguin (with a little bit choleric), my biggest fear is being alone and forgotten. In every situation, as much as I can, I have to make myself being likeable to everybody around me (although, later in time, I learnt that it is impossible to make everybody likes you while being true to yourself). Sometimes, I even feel that my confidence fades away especially after making stupid or obvious mistake. I need attention to make me feel better. To make me feel that I am still useful despite of my flaws. I try to help people as much as I can (although sometimes, some people simply wanted to be left alone) because I also like the feeling of being needed. Again, it makes me feel like I am useful as a human being, therefore, I will not feel like I am forgotten. 

I know it sounds pathetic but I also enjoy being pitied by people (well until certain level only,though) because on that time, I feel being understood and again, feel loved. I have to admit, I sometimes pretended to be sick (although not really that sick) to have their attention on me, especially after feeling not being recognized by my hardwork. No matter what, I have to make them see me. Well, it is not always necessarily every time. I think, when my self esteem is in low level or insecure due to my weaknesses or flaws, the urge of searching for attention is quite high. I have to do it in order to assure myself that I am not forgotten. 

.

Pretty much pathetic?

Yeah, I think so. 

I hope I will not victimize myself too often.

I am still learning on it.

besides, I have to remember that I have God who loves me unconditionally;
I have to, like Paul The Apostle, be content with God's love.

picture is taken from here

Paperworks

I have to admit,
I do not like administrative works
Never
Yet, since high school, it seemed that I was pointed out as
one of the those who is responsible
for administrative works,
such as OSIS, Pelkat PT, or even now
secretary for Indonesian Student Association in my prefecture.
I do not know what people see in me
let alone God XD
I mean, I am not an organized person myself
as a sanguin and a right brain user, I am too `artsy`
with this kind of job
and although I can do that, but I do not enjoy it
from my heart XD
I do it mostly because I dont want to let people down
and I do it so I can do my other things while
not worrying people start to question when will your work done XD
Well, I guess I just have to do it professionally
I just hope my choleric part can take control more while
my sanguinic part take a rest hahahahaha

pcture is taken from here

Welcome to `people might become really diabetic`day

Well, judging from the date,
you should probably know that I am talking about V-Day
Here in japan,
pressure comes for all of the japanese girls (at least, that is based
on my observation for about almost 3 valentines)
and we are not talking about japanese girls that
already have boyfriend.

In my lab, which is quite conversatively japanese, all of the women
made or at least buy the chocolates for the men,
some also prepare for special ones, for example co-workers or
your teachers. Still, they are giri choco or we know as neutral choco
(you just want to express gratitude, not boyfriend girlfriend feeling)
So, since i think, as a good foreign, I have to also adjust with this kind of custom,
regardless of the consequences not having any sleep to prepare
last minute dessert for the members of the lab. I only made simple ones
actually. They were all first trial, actually. hahaha. and as usual, no special recipe.
I read some references, but only finding myself, making it with only `feeling`
XD

Well, it is nice, people like my creation.
I hope they will not get any stomachache
I think the greatest feeling when your sensei said thanks
and he liked the choco frame I made
As for me, I think I have set my bar quite high this year XD

So here are my creations,

Enjoy!

choco frame (front side)

fruity custard cream cookie

choco frame (back side)

As for the title, I also received some cookies from my colleagues
that probably will trigger my blood glucose to a high level this week,
thing that make me feel guilty only is that I do not expect my undergraduate kouhai
gave me cookie also >=< and I have not prepared any for her.
So, probably I have to buy nice cakes for her today.
Here are cookies and cakes from the other member of the lab

Hug

Today, Rita asked me if I had time to go to Tom`s place and deliver him
a simple birthday cake.
Aneta, his beloved fiancee, apparently had cooked great Polish dishes
We had a great time talking together
It was nice to finally can have a long English conversation with them
since I seldom speak English lately
The other thing that I really treasure (well I do not want to sound like
a freaky fettish or something) is the moment when we give a hug
as a greeting

Living in Japan where even touching a person is considered
to be rude and unusual,
you do not have a custom of shake hands,
let alone, hug or kiss in cheeks.
And i am getting used without one.
So, when finally I had one, it was a great warm feeling.
It made you feel like a human, not a robot :D
You can transfer your happiness and love to that person
I do not know how Japanese show their affection to other
aside bowing to each other.
Sometimes, I just want to hug my japanese friends,
telling how I love them and how they are valuable to me
or at least at special occasion.
But of course, I will not do that. I can not.

Just want to share that for today :D

I wish they have a free hug service out here

picture are taken from here

Bittersweet Indirect Announcement

I was with my friend standing in front of the entrance in
my lecturer`s retirement party.
He was standing across us, not too close.
Then one of my sensei`s colleague came to greet him,
at the same time, my sensei also saw them and came to them
suddenly, we heard he said, `yes, he will get married,
it is all thanks to you, K-sensei`
I was flabbergasted
He never tells me that
I heard my friend asked me, `He`ll get married?`
`No. I don`t know. Do you know?`
She said she didn`t know
I was speechless


I actually knew that moment will arrive sooner or later
but, I have never thought I`d find out with this kind of way
He will apparently get married
I have prepared myself actually if this thing will happen someday
I overheard his conversation with other member something about
wedding hall,
I also saw a card  name of some kind of wedding planner at his desk
a couple of weeks ago.
I also heard that someone said, `This year will be a great year, K will graduate,
and then you...`
And therefore, I have suspected that there might be a possibility
he will get married.
Do not get me wrong
I once fell for him
but then I realized, he is not for me
Now, I even can say, I do not have any special feeling
other than I respect him and really want to support him
as we are in the same group (or at least, that is what I think)
My heart was broken, but that was one year ago
And part of me was actually happy for him
He is a good and warm hearted man
He treats women nicely
He deserves someone that loves him purely

The thing is, he does not tell me
not even a bit
apparently I am not as close as I thought to him
that I deserve to hear the good news
I was too naive thinking that
if I consider him as a close friend, he will too
Sometimes it just goes one way
The scariest part is to think that I might be not invited
(does not mean I eagerly want to be invited or something, is just,
I will feel once more forgotten, after all of those good things happen
between us)
And how do I feel right now?
I thought I will cry by the time I will get home if not on the party hall
but until now, I can not shed my tears
My chest feels heavy
yet I do not feel that depressed
I will not bring this up to him, in fact, I would probably be silent
and try to forget it
besides, if he does not tell me, then,
it is not my business,
you know, Japanese logic

Looking back, now I understand why God let me know
about the conversation of him being introduced with a nice girl
last year when we went for skiing
(I am not sure whether the bride would be the same girl)
and why God send my friend being his assistant
He was preparing all the time,
a wall,
a barrier,
because He knows he is not for me
Those are the ways to make me understand and realize
from my blindness
so it will not hurt that much,
because by the time I found about this,
due those walls and barriers build up during last year
I do not feel that much hurt
It is actually more to disappointment
pretty much what Adele sings hahahaha...
Anyway, I really hope the best for him
and his bride
Invited or not, I will be happy for him
I hope with this thing happened, I can move on.
Besides, we walk in different pathway,
I was fortunate to meet him during my journey,
And now, it is simply the time to say goodbye
and move on

Before Spring

A feast to the eye

A Perfect Fit

Today, I got a call from my sister,
to my surprise my grandmother was with her to on the line,
We had a small and simple chat
about what`s going on lately in our lives.
I was happy to hear my grandmother`s energetic voice
It`s nice to know that she is healthy

It is amazing to realize how a voice
of people that are dear to you can wash your stress,
anxiety, and weariness away directly.
Living abroad has realized me one important thing,
In the end, what matters to you the most is
your loving family ( right after, of course, your God)
and I am not talking only about biological family,
since it can take another form, which in essence, is
a circle of people that always welcomes you home,
a place where you belong

Recently, I realized that I have been chasing my dream
relentlessly, sometimes, I forgot about my family
Also, here, I tried many times and as hard as I can so
this new crowd can accept me, sometimes worked,
sometimes failed,
and when it failed it can make me feel depressed,
in the other hand, I forgot that I have this great family
loving me unconditionally,
These things make me feel guilty
since I feel I become so selfish
I do not say that chasing dreams is not a good thing,
but taking your family presence for granted while doing it?
Getting along with new crowd that you know
you will get stuck up for a period of time is also good,
but throwing away your family love while chasing some kind
of acceptance?
Well, I can tell now, it is not a good thing.
At all.

Eventually, I give thanks to God
for a great family I have in my life
They are not a perfect one
(but then so am I)
However, they are,
undeniably,
irreplaceable

Gastrological Happiness

Tai Ramen

Sleep Cycle

Recently, I change my sleep cycle
I will be in the lab until the next morning,
continuing working until around 2 at noon,
then go for sleep until 4 (or even 6 pm),
eventually, start working until the next morning

Well, physically speaking, that is actually abnormal
but, as you know, I consider this as a defense mechanism
Since got depressed due to you know what,
I determined not to get in the same room with my problem source,
by arranging a different time of experiment,
I can avoid being in the same room (and feel constantly ignored
and alienated) without being obvious.
The result, I can do my work with full concentration
and without fear of having those hurtful feeling anymore,
my works finished, i still have enough time for sleep
(although within different time with other normal people).
and I can still interact with others in the morning,
plus sensei and he knows I am not skipping my experiment time,
All in all, it is considerably good physically and psychologically for me
Nevertheless, do not try this at home, people
It is only recommended to those who have
the same experience like me


picture is taken from here

TV Shows

Tryin` to talk about something lighter today,
After 9 gag, I finally found more exciting entertainment which is
TV show streaming
Since I do not have any cable tv and my tv only shows japanese programs,
I am pretty much late in updating english based shows (not any more)
The thing that I think is too bad is that they don`t have E!
for the gossip shows hahaha
I am very lucky having quite good speed on internet
so I do not have those moments when you have to wait staring
at the word `buffering` XD
Thanks also to my friend who recommended me this site


So here is a list of TV shows I have been watching these days
Most are actually sitcoms, some are horror and reality show just

1. 30 Rock
2. SNL
3. The Office
4. American Horror Story
5. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
6. Criminal Minds
7. Deadly Women
8. Women with Knifes
9. America`s Next Top Model
10. IT crowd

It is actually nice doing marathon episodes since they already have
tons of episodes! This thing also makes me feel more comfortable staying
at lab wayyy late even until the next day). I can do my work lab while
watching and no one in the lab. Actually, this really helps me to be more focus
since those two are not in the same room with me. :D

Family

I learn new thing today about Japanese culture from one of my seniors

It is about the term of `family` in Japan

There is some shocking detail for me about what they have in mind

when they hear `family`

So, in my definition (which is mostly influenced by Indonesian culture),

if you say family, then you can communicate freely with 

the family member (and we are not talking only about biological family)

and you are pretty much opened to each other

and if some of the members seem to draw themselves from the family,

there are something wrong with them or the family itself

and of course, communication is very important between each other

we do not leave it like there unspoken

Ii is a different world here,
apparently, if you are considered as family,
you are not required to have an intense communication
there is a belief of understanding each other
without even saying a word
He gave an example, a good married couple
does not have to communicate intensely,
they can spend day without communicating each other,
but the food is on the table,
each need is fulfilled,
without obligation of having a word to each other
they can still live together peacefully and grow old together


Well, there is actually a good thing on it
yet, for me, that does not mean
cutting all of the communication.

That reminds me also of my lab staff story, in which,
how even a husband and wife still have their own private life
which is not known by their spouse.

I really do not believe you can actually maintain
a good relationship, not only in family,
without a good and intense communication.

pictures are from here

Dream vs Calling

I have always dreamed and was very sure that someday,
I will be a researcher, regardless in what kind of the field it will be
And here I am, ten years later, having my dream career as a researcher
It has been 3 years since I started it in one of the government`s ministry right now
However, it seems a little bit stuck right now
But being stuck is not a bad thing,
if you see from the other way around,
it makes you think
a lot

Another thing that makes me very passionate
talking and doing aside research world, are getting around
and supporting the teenagers with whatever they love and are good at
I feel like I have responsibilities (and burden)
to convince people around me
especially those younger than me, to find a dream
believe it, and like Agnes Monica always says,
make it happen.
Because dreams do come true.
It sometimes breaks my heart hearing a teen`s story
that they actually have a dream but their parents
do not believe it, not even give a chance
and sometimes, it can even affect their relationship
If only I i can do something for them

People says that one dream can develop or even change to another dream
People change careers in the middle of the road.
It comes then to my mind,
What if it happens also to me?
What if my previous dream which has been accomplished (in some part)
is actually a start for another new dream?
There are times I think I want to get involved more in educating teens,
but being a teacher is something that I fear the most,
in fact I do not want to be a teacher. It is way too heavy for me.
I do not dare to leave my pursuit being a researcher
but I still want to inspire and help teens to reach their dream too


I wonder, why God puts those thoughts in me
Is it also a calling?
Or have I misunderstood His calling?
What if my dream was wrong from the start,
There are times I think that is it my selfish dream,
not necessarily from God?
There was also a moment that struck me when I was talking to
one of my seniors and he said, how being scientists sometimes can be so inefficient,
you can not directly help people to be healthy or stay healthy
in the end, being a doctor or pharmacist will give a direct positive effect
Besides, you can not be a scientist without a passion to help patients
That moment, I was like, I have never actually thought of helping patients
through my career as a scientist,
I want to be a scientist, because I am interested and fascinated by science`s beauty
and if you have ever read my note in my FB, I want to be scientist
so I can testify to other scientists that God exists, and you can see God
through the beauty of science (sounds really cheezy,huh ? Regardless,  I do believe in it)
Hearing that from my senior who does not even believe in God
makes all of my motivation for dream sounds so selfish,
it does not even show a possibility I can become a blessing for others
(compared to being doctor or pharmacists or teachers or lawyers, for example)

I have not decided anything for now,
I think I just have to focus to finish what I have started
This is also my responsibility.
Hopefully, I will understand clearly someday

 j

just by looking this pic, my heart bursts and jumps to seehow young they are and how much potentials they can offer to you and how it needs to be dug out properly

Cyclothomia Disorder

Another thing that I did after having suicidal thought was doing some research about what kind of depression I have. I came to the conclusion of having depression since I realized this kind of roller coaster emotion have been haunting me for a year and half now and it does not show any kind of improvement. But, there are a lot of depression type, so I decided to do some kind of online quick and general test of depression type.

Unexpectedly, I found I have a very high possibilities of having cyclothmia disorder. It has been said that cyclothymia is a mild form of bipolar disorder that is characterized by mood fluctuations that shift between depressive and hypomanic phases (taken from here). They enlist some of the symptoms of depressive and hypomanic. There are some that fit me I will write them down here, especially when I am around those two (you know who);

Hypomanic phase
- Reduced ability to concentrate, easily distracted ==> this is so true since I can not even comprehend a sentence while reading any journals when those two are around, or when I do some experiments, I tend to do mistakes sometimes in the same condition.
- Sleep difficulties, excessive energy ==> I had this kind of difficulties before, yet, it increases during the time. I do have excessive energy since recently I am able to stay awake and do experiment like even on 4 in the morning with full concentration (esp when they were not around)
- Hypomania lasts between several days and weeks

Depressive phase
- Feelings of inadequacy, low self-confidence ==> usually given the situation of being there between those and constantly ignored makes me think that I am not worthy to be noticed at all. And I will start think that maybe it is because my lab skill is not as good as hers, maybe it is because I am a foreign (who even understand and can speak japanese) therefore I am an the outsider; not necessarily have to be included in every conversation, or because I am too young or something. Those thoughts will most likely worsen my mood and makes me more depressed.

-Difficulty failing asleep, unrestful sleep ==> I used a sleep application recently to assess my sleep quality and apparently my deep sleep phase has been very in a short period. Every time I go to sleep, my thoughts will run around those good memories at my early master course years and then will switch to sad and hurtful memories related with. Sometimes, I even have to cry first in order to feel tired and finally can go to sleep

-Negative thinking, feelings of guilt and sadness ==> I do not mean to be a defensive person. However, I think everyone will feel the same if they were in my position. I mean, how you will not think negatively if you were suddenly not treated well when you actually do not change and act nice? You will surely become less optimistic in maintaining friendship with someone that `throw` you away after having new friend even though you are still in the same surroundings (or even room!). All of the thoughts will surely end in `maybe he simply does not want to be your freind` eventually. Part of me can not accept it, with all things that we have been through which I consider them valuable (not for him, apparently) Although, I am pretty much sure that it is not entirely my fault, yet, I will blame myself as the only one that is guilty on this case. Subsequently, the sadness pain came; recently it also took form into chest pain. Well, it is not like chest pain that found in people with heart attack experience. It is more like, you know, when somebody hurt your feeling, you will feel ache in your heart. Sometimes I have short breath, and sometimes I feel very heavy to even breathe.

- Loss of interest in formerly enjoyable activities ==> in my case, because by doing those activities (for example drinking sake or playing monster hunter tri g) will remind me of good times we had (because we did not do them at all until now), those will make me feel completely sad.

- Depression lasting between several days and several weeks


I am considering to find a professional help from psychoterapist or something. I actually have consulted it with my lab staff. Apparently, it will be very difficult to find it nearby. I think I have to cross out that option for now. I just hope this disorder will not get worse and will be over soon since one of the source problem will leave in the next two months. I guess, I have to do things that I can do;  praying and reading the bible; trying to stay nice; keeping the distance (arranging time and everything else so I do not have to be in the same room with them for too long without seemingly in purpose); always reminding myself of my purpose here and not to blame myself about what happened; talking the issue with some reliable friends; finding new circles of friends, not to be hard on myself. And the most important is, believing that my source of joy is not being around those kind of people but God and God alone.