accomplishing your mission

I do not remember exactly what my last year`s resolutions are I do remember ,however, how I was so determined to change my way of thinking to overcome my jealousy and tendency to be negative thinking and also to shed some weight. setting a goal and being determined are just first steps. the next step,training yourself for new habits is the hardest. there were times I felt my efforts were useless. I am thankful God helps me along the way. by the end of this year, I have learnt to be thankful everyday. I realized God's blessings are new everyday. there is no reason to be not thankful. I accomplished writing my thank you blog everyday to God. I also accomplished shedding my weight almost 5 kgs by running 5-10 km twice a week at least. what a sweet revenge to my lazy fat self and those who mocked me back then because of me being over weight. accomplishing a mission never feels this good. it taught me accomplishment can only be achieved by determination, discipline, and pryer. it also reminds me ther are things I have to achieve in the next year. I have not accomplished my prayer and devotion time early in the morning and night. I have not accomplished my "one day one journal" I have not accomplished learning new foreign languge, I am considering Chinese. so,there, I am determined to accomplish my new missions while staying discipline for the accomplished ones. let the new year`s quest begin. God speed!

setting the bar

Consciously or not, most of the times, there's this urge to do every thing perfectly,
if not with a lot of toil.
I guess one of the reason is that, since I was a child I was expected to do my best.
to set a good example for my younger sisters.

Honestly, it felt like a burden, at first.
Then, somehow it turns out to be something that natural for me.
Looking from my younger sisters' side, especially, the youngest,
I, sometimes, feel guilty.
She might think I set the bar too high for them to reach.
I hope it is just solely my assumption.
As a defense or not, the reason why I want to achieve as high as I can, is actually not to set the bar they
have to get through, yet,
to show them that they can also do the same thing because we have the same guide, GOD.
that every achievement requires hard work and determination, aside, of course, GOD.
that it is not impossible.
that if you want you can overcome your obstacles in reaching your dream and passion.
Thus, those reasons become my self motivation.

I can not afford to fail
not because I want to be the perfect daughter.
It is because I do not want to see them fail without even trying.

A Sweet Revenge

There is no better thing than harvesting your hard work and enjoy your result

For now, after struggling with body weight rebound, I came back on track

smiling to those who have thought I will be lost in my fatty self

Going back to eternal home

There is nothing in this world that can compare the happiness when
someone you highly admire or respect such as my parents, grandparents, godmother and godfather,
and advisors looked at you and said, `You did well` or `Yo, ganbatta ne.`

It might sound crazy,
but sometimes I do think what will happen when I die.
But if my time come,
there is one thing I hope to hear the most, if I can, from my God ,
that very same words.

That would be the best thing ever.

between ETNJ or EFNJ

http://www.truity.com/personality-test/test-results/237537

I think I can sometimes be ETNJ yet lately I feel I am more to be EFNJ (especially with that point of `seeking stress release by doing exercises` XD

"You can't."

"You can't be good at english",

She prayed and worked her ass out, She uses english now daily; got 970/990 for her recent toeic.

"You can't have decent job studying biology."

She prayed and worked her ass out, she works for government R and D institute now.

"You can't enter science class.",

She prayed and worked her ass out, She's now a PhD student in faculty of medicine in Japan

"You can't be slim",

She prayed and worked her ass out, She weighs down 5 kgs and run 10 km as her routine

"You can't study abroad, not even, Japan.",

She prayed and worked her ass out, She has been studying for 3 years in Japan

"You can't do that",

Pray, and

Work your ass out, 

prove them wrong.

Remember, 

Bad news is, people can say whatever they want to say, even doubt or mock you,

Good news is, their opinion can't hinder you to achieve whatever you want to do 

Stop victimizing yourself,

Start preparing instead.

Review: Ataru

I just watched Ataru, not really know the background since I did not watch its drama often

However, I like to point out my fave scene;

It was when madoka pointing her gun to ataru, on the other hand, ataru handing out white lily to her.

It has a really deep meaning. A thoughtful scene well made by the director and scriptwriter indeed!

I was not that interested with the trick madoka used to make some incidents since they used quite difficult japanese terms for me.

For a detective drama, however, it was quite a pity they forgot some details that I am quite sure raising audiences' eyebrows. 

1. How did ataru go to US by himself?

2. Even if he went with madoka, madoka was known to be international villain, worst, suspected already died; how she managed to enter or leave international airport with security level as high as US and Japan?

3. How did ataru buy those piles of white lily and how the hell he could drive a car or even have a driving license in US with such handicap?!??!?

I think they were concentrating too much on the drama between the characters and as a result, some scene looks to be too exaggerated. 

Overall, just rent the dvd, it's 6/10 for me

Beautiful Goodbye

I actually wanted to forget this

But, I decided to write this since to me

yesterday was a special day.

And I learnt a lot about how others think about love.

Finally, the universe cooperated with us since each time we meet,

it was always raining.

He joked about that to me.

However, as a compensation, I got a flat tire and the indonesian restaurant was closed

The flat tire made his plan to go to Bizan cancelled

but the way he really thought and tried to repair my bicycle tire made me impressed.

And very flattered.

He went here and there and got his hands dirty to repair my bicycle`s tire

So, we went to the church

than had some lunch

while searching for bicycle shop, we found a small ice cream cafe

and had a big fruit parfait.

We just chatted some light conversation

then when a family entered the cafe and he saw me looking into some cute child,

he asked me whether I am thinking about marriage.

Then we went into some deeper conversation.

and some debate about saying your own feeling and long distance relationship

He asked which one I will choose, if I were a girl,

Having someone who like you never told you his feeling or having someone said his real feeling but then

leave you back into his country

I said to him, how i am supposed to know he liked me if he never said,

even though that guy showed that he liked me, I do not want to expect anything

I had bad experience about guys that being nice to every girls.

I do not want to take any conclusion of he really likes me. I made my mistakes.

If i were that girl if the man said his real feeling, at least, the girl will finally know that the man has the same feeling to her and the relationship might really have a chance to grow.

If they can have a good communication they will have known each other and when they meet

they can continue the relationship not from zero. They can save their years in knowing each other.

He asked, `during that time, will not you fall in love with another guy?`

`I said, if I have committed to him, I will not fall in love to another guy.`

Then he asked, `what if the man fall in love with other girl?`

then it hit me.

He might probably wanted to struggle the real problem

He might choose the easiest way.

A slight disappointment.

He finally said to me his really feeling

`To tell you the truth, you are special to me, you have beautiful eyes, I love you but I can`t say to you

because saying I love you means to me I have a responsibility to provide you with a stable family.`

He continued,

`It will be tiring for you to love me, and me to love you. And a good relationship should make people relax and not tired.`

I was speechless.

Later, we had to bite our tongue since ASLI closed.

We choose another restaurant.

I gave him his last present

We were not talking that much

then he said, `Do you want to tell me something before I leave?`

Then I finally admitted that I started to like him

but then I said that however I can not say I love you because I haven`t known him much

and neither has him.

He was surprised yet then said he was happy to hear that from me directly.

But then again he told me that our relationship was impossible.

I also asked him whether he saw me in the future with him

but he probably misunderstood me by telling me that it is still possible to see me in the future

because he is planning to visit Indonesia and Japan when he has holiday.

but then again, judging from what he has told me, I understand he still can not see

he will spend the rest of his life to be with with me.

then I said to him, that we might not destined to be together,

he might be destined to be with other girl and he will be a lot happier with her wife in china

he said the same to me

we made each other promise if one of us get married we will send each other our picture.

we laughed at how awkward that conversation became.

Unexpectedly, he asked me, `have you ever touched a boy`s hand?`

`Aside shaking hands of course,` he laughed.

I said no, he offered his hand

I was hesitated, but then I gave him my hand

He said softly, `I am thankful to God that I have met you. It has been a great 6 months since I met you.`

I was too afraid to even look at him and

I was actually still in awe how for the first time I got my hand hold by someone aside my father.

`Me too.`

We hold hands for a while.

It feels tragic since this is the first time we hold our hands but knowing that will be the last

since after that we have to say goodbye.

And we decided to end our story there.

I console myself by thinking

even if we force this relationship we might ended up divorcing

and it might not end well either.

so this is the right way

it`s sad but it`s right.

And he might have some point,

saying I love you is not just a matter of saying the feeling that we feel this very moment.

saying I love you will mean saying the feeling we feel forever to someone

And when we are not sure about that (or to me, we do not think it`s worth the struggle)

we should have never said it.

because it will break someone`s heart when we can not prove that our feeling will never change in the end.

Anyway, I still mourn over this

yet at the same time I feel happy

remembering the good memories we spent together.

I hope my emotion will be stable within this week.

I have been thinking to cut every possible communication with him

in this stage, my feeling towards him might still grow if I communicate with him

even after he go back to China.

He asked me how to contact me when he is in China

I said to him I will ask my friend.

But then, I might will cancel that also.

It is better for me (and hopefully) for him to cut this off.

I can forget him easily since I do not have to see or know any info about him anymore.

besides, if he is really for me someday with the help of God,

he or I will find a way to meet each other and settle down.

If not, well, at least, it was a beautiful goodbye.

I should have learnt from The Corrs hahahaha

Loosing People

I know this year has not ended,
but I can tell the theme of the year for my life is letting go people
I learnt a lot that about loosing people who are actually care and love me.
Either in terms of graduating and going back home to their countries,
changed into different person,
or died.
It`s hard because they are the ones that make me feel loved
therefore become strong.

On the other hand, I think again God has shown me,
even though I have to learn it in hard way,
in the end, I can`t cling to any human being.
Someday they will leave, and it`s not always their fault or my fault,
they have to leave so that I can realize I live not because one person`s existence.
It`s because God exists in my life.
He`s all that I need.

I am still scared about loosing more people during the rest of my life
I do not think I will never ready to loose any people that mean a lot to me
But that is non-sense.
People die
Therefore, someday it will happen.And I have to deal with it.
Sometimes I thought I`d rather died before those meaningful people died
So I do not have to shed any tear for letting them go.

Being A Researcher

Lately, I think God has reminded me with pretty much shaky quotes from different sources about being a researcher;

The first one came from my sensei,

`If you can not deliver your research with your own word in a simple way how important your research is to other people then it means you have not given enough effort.`

Obviously, I have not tried hard enough. My spirit doing this sometimes get on very high yet sometimes just disappear when I got overwhelmed with the obstacles.

The second one came from a program I saw by chance in the local tv about a researcher telling his motivation on doing his research,

`Do you do your research merely because you want to do research or saving people`s life?`

The last one hit me at the core. I have heard these things not once but several times. First from my senpai, who said to me he only wants to do a research in order to save people live, and if he can not, then he preferred to be a pharmacist, the effect can be direct. On the other hand, every time my sensei utter his research plan he will include this sentence, `In the end, we hope our findings can save people`s life`

I feel disgusted to myself.
When I reflect my own motivation in doing research, I found it very hypocrite and useless, not to mention, selfish.
 I want to inspire other researcher to admit God`s presence, especially those who are always skeptical about God`s existence. And that you can glorify God through your research, through science.
And I have to admit just thinking to be a research made me feel proud and worthy, people will finally not underestimate me. Some kind of proving to myself and them, that I can do this despite of the obstacles.
In comparison to that, I feel so superficial.


I have to renew my motivation.

From now on, I will start a new struggle with God, re-questioning myself, asking God to guide me to the right way. Is becoming a scientist really what God wants?
Or has it been my own desire all along?

Review: Pacific Rim

Visually satisfied!

The storyline was quite good.

My special highlight is not on the main characters; instead, is on the supporting actor of the scientists

Thank God; they were not killed by the scriptwriters.

I love the way they were first underestimated yet they finally can beat the odds. Also the way they were fighting all the times an insisting each other's opinion was right yet in the end they can cooperate together and both hypotheses were right ;)

By the way, the monsters really reminds me of monster hunter's monsters. 

One of them, even, looks like Brachiddios! Hahahaha

Niji by Yuzu

A song that is quite inspiring by Yuzu
It was used by Matsujun and children with hearing and talking disabilities for their tap dancing collaboration.
It has a strong message indeed

I do not own rights of this song at all

Cooler temperature

I am thankful to the Lord for today's weather! Love today's weather! Cool all day, a little bit hard to wake up in the morning though. Other than that, the day was great. Feel laid back finding out sensei was out for bussiness so he had to go earlier. I did not go home earlier today, there's one result I had to analyze before compiling all of the data tomorrow :)

Review : World War Z

I know this movie has been distributed earlier, and thanks to this country's policy and regulation, plus my hectic experiments; I just got a chance to watch it now.It should be watched with a good surround sound system to maximize the impact.

 I think it's a great movie, I can't help myself posting some of the highlights of the movie. 

Here they are:

1. Love the opening scene of how they potray how life goes in every aspect in nature and human world

2. I just can't help to protest of the scientist stereotype in most of action movies who are tend to be killed in first half movie. 

2. I like the "humour" scene when gerry's wife tried to call and indirectly attracted the zombies on airplane tank filling scene. When it was still not connected, the wife just put it off and go back to sleep.

3. "Andrew Fassbach: Mother Nature is a serial killer. No one's better, or more creative. Like all serial killers, she can't help but have the urge to get caught or what good would all those brilliant crimes do if no one takes the credit? So she leaves crumbs. Now the hard part, is seeing the crumbs, the clues there. Sometimes it's in your thoughts where the most brutal part of a virus is. Turns out to be the chink in its armor. And she loves disguising her weaknesses as strengths. She's a bitch." 

Enough said! 

4. Epic scene when gerry faced his fear righ in front of his eyes continued with a scene he calmly walked straight into the the zombie crowd. It was like a zen moment! Brad Pitt succesfully potrayed the acceptance that he's dying but by the same time a faith that he knows he will come out alive. Fear beautifully wrapped with Confidence! If you accepted who you are, know that you are weak, have nothing to loose, accompanied with a knowldge of you have faith, you can face your fear and all of the hectic things in front of you. 

5. My moral of the story: as a scientist,  i will learn how to grab a gun safely :)

and would probably wear a non slipped shoes. 

6. A high praise to the trailer editor! When  I first watched the trailer a couple of months ago, I did not even realize it was actually a zombie movie. Until I actually came and saw the movie! Absolutley no clues! I first thought it was a movie of peaceful america finally got attacked by some countries and how these civilians trying to survive the war. 

Osaka

Already arrived at osaka; I am thankful for that :)

How someone`s death can change your life

So, I listened to Atlanta radio, and one of the announcer was talking about how one person`s death could change your life either for good or bad.
For me, there were three deaths, well, at least, the third death- I realized, influenced how I look my life and its priorities. They were actually to the ones that lead me into my biggest regret until now.
They were my quite close family`s death; my godfather, my grandma`s younger sister, and my godmother. They were all sick when I was in Jakarta; They were all gone when I was not there.

The first one, my godfather`s, happened when I was still in Jogjakarta. I could not go home to pay my last honor to him. The worst thing, I can`t be there at his critical moment.
The second and third one, happened when I was still in Japan. Also, I can`t be there in person.
My grandma`s sis was deaf and mute. In consequence, I could not say anything to her or hear anything from her. I could not attend her funeral either.
The only good thing was when my godmother passed away, I can only heard her machine`s sound and then the blurry doctor`s voice telling she has passed away. It stays within my memory. I can still recall that hurtful event. All I can do was holding the phone and crying.  I am her goddaughter. I should have been there when she was having her roughest time. Worst is, sometimes I felt like I was lucky I was here I do not have to see her suffer, unlike the rest part of the family. I can still be absent and no one can blame me.
In the end, I blame myself.

Actually, I do not know if I can forgive myself.
How can I do this? Chasing my dreams while one of my important family member suffered?
And what was the price?
Is it even worthy?
My sister consoled me that my godmother was proud of me and not even once got disappointed of me being absent. And I have to finish this so my godmother`s dream could also be fulfilled, achieving highest education level, a chance she hadn`t be able to have.

Then, it occurred to me that this might happen again. After all, we will never know whose life will end when.
I pray that I do not have to experience this again. At least, not during  my stay in Japan.
Most of my entire life, I have dreamed getting a higher degree even work outside the country. The further the better. It will be a perfect proof that I have been a pretty much perfect grown-up. I can do things by myself.
Suddenly, it did not matter anything to me anymore. Well, it still does matter. But, not as urgent as I used to think.
In the end, it`s the family you want to go home to.
It`s the family that will be your strength and motivation.
No matter what happened, they are the ones you can count or lean on.
Others do not THAT matter anymore compared to a bunch of loved ones God given to you.

I decided to end my dream chasing journey outside the country.
I still have my dream as a researcher. I did not give it up entirely.
I want to focus doing my research in my country.
So I can look out for my loved ones.
People might see me to be lack of ambition or even motivation.
It is fine with me. People judge. No matter what you do.
I realized there will be a time I have to settle down, maybe  not because of me getting married (which I really can not even think about it now), rather, because it is my responsibility to support them also.
When that time comes, I want to make sure I will not have any second biggest regret in the rest of my life.

A slight disappointement

Maybe I am right, well, I`d rather to be wrong

but I just talked to my senior, and he accidentally talked about he will go on Thursday

to take care his (you know, that man that was now on his honeymoon trip) mouse which will come this week.

I feel a slight offense and hurt in my heart again, although, I can control it.

I was disappointed, he could have ask my help since we used the same room.

But, then again, he prefer to ask my senior instead.

I really tried to believe that he has no problem at all anymore with me

I can`t. 

Every event occurred only lead to a proof that he hated me, or at least,

he choose to avoid me

I know I have to be more on positive thinking

I can`t help myself.

God, help me!

Sometimes it tempts me to mirror his attitude so he realized how much he has hurt me.

but probably he might not even realize it and I end up hurting myself with my fear and negative thinking

The hurt comes again as I am writing now.

My logic asked me to promise to myself not to even try to think about him or writing about him at all

since if I write then it means I will make myself remember things I`d better forget.

Instead of filling your thoughts with sad and hurtful ones, you should think about God.

Instead of mirroring his attitude, you have to be a lot nicer. You have to prove that you are way better than him. That way I will be the one who puts the burning coal unto his head, which, Forgive me, Lord, frankly I just want to do it literally.

I hope I can fulfill my promise.

Anyway I have 5 days without him. Such peaceful day. I mean I almost not thinking about him most of the time, at least, until my senior brought up accidentally the mouse thing. 

I have to distract these kind of thoughts to something more valuable, like my research.....

The Underdogs

So, I wrote this article for upcoming uni festival guidebook;
The inspiration itself just came close to the deadline (as in today),
I hope they can understand my English, moreover, hopefully, it can inspire the readers

The Underdogs

Have you ever felt being underestimated by someone or people? Well, the good news is, you are not alone. Actually, being an underdog; a term used for those who are being underestimated or expected to lose; is not always a bad thing. It depends on how you act on that. You can weep on it, victimizing yourself; blaming God and the rest of the world. Or, you can actually use that as your advantage.

Being underdog makes you realize that there are things you still have to catch up. Realizing and admitting you still have things you do not know is still lot better than not realizing you do not know anything. Being underdog makes you realize you have targets to pursue. As my academic advisor said, in this whole world, the most unfortunate animal is lab mouse. It lives, but only limited in small cages. Eventually, it dies without knowing anything, why and for what purpose it was born (medical students, you know this well better than anyone). So, the next time people laugh at you or criticize you, it might feel hurt, yet, at the very least, you were given a chance to recognize things you have to improve.

As an underdog, you know, there are things you have to improve or find out how to overcome your drawbacks, thus, you know you have to work harder than anyone, sometimes, twice harder. Sounds difficult to do? Well, there is this saying you might want to remember; just because it is difficult to do, it does not mean it can not be done at all.

O.K., so, you have worked very hard, but it does not seem to change anything. People still look down on you, you still have nothing to prove yourself in front of people that you are actually better than they thought. Keep working; keep reading; keep practicing; keep doing whatever you have to do. You can cry here and there, it`s normal, you are allowed to become frustrated. Give yourself a break. Then, continue. My professor taught me, as long as you are true to yourself and continue working, something good will come out eventually. Besides, all beautiful and useful things in this world are not created instantly; silk, pearl, butterflies, and yes, even you!

Finally, let`s remember, being an underdog might mean you are still in the bottom, but when you see it the other way around; this only mean one thing, there is no other way than going up. To all the underdogs, 頑張ろう！And to all those who look us down, we only have one thing to say to you; `See you at the end of the line and we`ll see who will have the last bark.`

Review : Galileo

So, I watched this movie yesterday

What do I think about this movie?

Not bad, but to me, it feels like watching the usual drama on tv, only longer. 

It does not feel epic to me.

Also, I did not, as long as I remember, see any recognizable scene of galileo, you know, the usual scene that always occur thus define galileo movie; like when he says "sappari wakaranai", or "jitsu wa omoshiroi" or the scene when he remembers every clue and write some equations wherever he is. Thus, it makes me feel something missing from the movie. I will not go into detailed synopsis or spoiler which I believe you can find in other websites.

To be fair, there were two scenes that remain in my memory:

1. Pet bottle experiment

You can see fatherly side as well as researcher side of Yukawa Sensei. He also taught kyouhei lots of things about research. It touched my heart since I also work in research world.

2. Although not clearly understand, kyouhei started to realize tha he somehow had participated unconsciously in one important event of the story.

I have to admit the child actor's acting is quite astounding for his age. I can feel his  mixed feeling of fear and regret

Overall, it is a quite good movie. There are a lots of important message that I think the audiences can relate. Plus, the beach and ocean scenes are really eyecandy (aside Fukuyama Masaharu of course).

As acting, other than Fukuyama and the child actor, I did not find any outstanding performance. Not even when the one plays Narumi cry seeing his father got interviewed. I can not emphatisize with the actress' play. I think I will give 6.5/10.

Feeling Lost

Ok, here`s the thing
I am not that sad anymore
I guess the reason I still feel hurt
is not because I still love him
rather
it is because he has his happiness first with someone
After all hurtful feeling I have gained from him
(or because my thoughts about him)
plus his bride is quite more beautiful than me
(although my friend said I am way better than her,
hahaha, I want to believe her)
....
It feels a little bit unfair.
At least I should have gained from my tears
rather than him
But then again, it was just the ungrateful part of me

My friend agrees with me
rather than because of my heart
it is my pride that hurt due to this event
I am completely lost (in terms of loosing in a race)
Let`s just hope in the end, this all will be paid evenly
all of those tears
But let not be the way I want to
Let way that God wants to
until then, I will hold on what God said to Paul

[But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.]-- II Corinthians 12:9

Blue gifts!

I am thankful God gives me these through my sensei :)

Peaceful day

I am thankful today I can do everything in slow pace since sensei was out of town

I can also have chat time with M san; I got a chance to buy sake for his wedding  present; somehow I feel I bought the wrong present.....

Fighting My Own Thoughts

After long, I think I found my weakness, and the hardest part of this is that I have to admit
I am in the verge of this close to become my mother;
Negative Thinking

This morning an event triggered my negative thinking again
He gave something (that I do not want to know) to his new assistant and a co-worker,
but not me
I know, I should not be jealous or angry about it
I should not expect anything
Then my thoughts raced and before I can stop, it developed into negative thoughts,
lonely thoughts
that this person only be kind only when he knows he will need people`s help
that to him, it is not important to be nice to people that he does not need any longer
that to him, it is normal to throw away a relationship,
that he does not want to be related with me whatsoever
that he only acts nice to me in front of Sensei, so he will see that we do not have any issues,

or, even when my sensei knows the real problem, that it is not him that causes the problem,
but me

that I can not understand Japanese people.
that I tried very hard to understand them, why they can`t understand me, at least try!
I am not Japanese, do not expect me to act like one.
.

On the other hand, he can be so nice and some times I feel that they were genuine.
In very small numbers.
Like when I have to go back to Indonesia, and I did not, at first, tell him anything.
Only told Sensei. I did not know whether Sensei asked him to help me or he saw the condolence envelope
from my Sensei at my desk. Nevertheless, at that time, I can feel his genuine kindness.
Sometimes it feels so fake.

Then again, my logic told me, they were all in my mind
And you can not label people based on what you feel or think,
You are not even allowed to label or judge people.
It will bring no good to have negative thinking on people,
It definitely makes things worse.
And the fact that I will not be a Japanese, they to can not be Indonesian,
so I can  not expect them to act like Indonesian people.
And when it seems to be impolite for Indonesian people, it might not the case for Japanese;
so, I  too, should not be easily offended.
I know I have to stop
but the hurt feels real in my heart.
The only thing that makes me sane is to remember that God loves me,
that although, it might be true if he does not like me anymore,
It should not take my happiness and joy from my life.
he is not my source of happiness.
God is.

Fighting your own thoughts can be such a toll
I hope God gives me more strength to bear it
and to survive this battle.
I hope I can get out from this battle stronger, so maybe,
in the future, I can help those who have the same problem like me

One month

It has been one month since she left forever

I still automatically says her name (and oma ota's name) in my prayer;

I just realized that I do not have recent photo with her; a little bit regret remained in my heart

`Unofficial` Mothers

As you knew, I just lost two women that played important role in my life.

A grandmother (my grandmother`s sister)

and an Aunty...moreover, A godmother.

While my sister can make tributes to them beautifully

I found myself could not do it.

I felt a slight guilt about it.

But, today, I think the only thing that I can do and I want to do is

pondering on their lives.

Until they finally met their God, they are not married.

Despite of that, they have been a terrific mother to me, my sisters, and cousins.

Silently, Oma Ota, in her absence of words, only voices,

She has served the family with all of her might

I and her sometimes had a fight, maybe because she and I did not understand each other, most of the times, 

because of her disability and my impatience.

She cared about us,

She helped right about everything 

about household matters,

looking after the children, while our parents out working,

making sure we eat our food.

washing the clothes,

ironing,

making up our bed

especially when the maid were out of town for the Ied vacation.

She can not hear us, yet, she understood our needs; with or without gestures,

She was the queen of neat, sometimes we even got trouble in finding our things because she already make all of the things stored so it will not be that messy.

On the other hand, Mama Grace, has been a vibrant career woman,

She has served the family with laughter, words, and even songs.

As my sister said, she has been a cool aunt for us

She has been our `running place` when we were not in a good mood with our own mother,

We told her our secrets (although probably she would tell her sister about those things xD )

She took us to cool places

To me (and I think to my sisters and cousins too), she is our role model

Personally, at some point, I really want to be like her

I do not even mind if I will not get married,

I want to be like her,

my friend, even said, she has been her role model also.

a living proof, that even without any relationship, she survived the pressure of being unmarried

Even to her subordinates, she was like their mother, protecting them yet nurturing them

with hard way, making them stronger.

Their lives made me think

You do not have to be married to be a mother

If you are married and can be a mother, good for you!

And I do not discredit every biological mother in this world, including my own mom. 

But I want to give the high credit, as high as towards all the biological mother,

to all 'unofficial' mothers in the world

They who are not married

yet, have been serving others, consciously or unconsciously,

As a mother

Women who are not  married yet

  give ears to those who needs to be heard

  give advices to those who are in doubtful situation

 let their nieces stay overnight after having fights with their loved ones

 encourage their ordinates to overcome the obstacles and always at their best in doing their responsibilities

 serve with songs

 serve in silence

 pray everyday for people they love

 are very annoying when their nieces haven`t got new dresses for some special occasions

 buy presents for the family members during Christmas

 get angry when you do not do your homework, get home late, being irresponsible, or even, when you have annoying hairstyle.

To those `unofficial` mothers in this world,

Be proud!

Society might underestimate or mock you because you have not married yet,

People might accuse you of being putting standard too high,

too busy chasing your career,

too fool to turn down the marriage offer from someone you know is not for you

too selfish

Well, they can say whatever they want

But they can not take away

your unconditional love

your people who love you for your sacrifice you have done for them

Always remember,

You are always loved.

God bless you. 

Detach and go

Back then, I was so stupid
I thought that, when you try and as much as you can speak Japanese
and often speak to other lab mates, try to be close to them,
eventually you will be recognized as one of them.
Apparently, in the end, it is not the case
(or was it, it is not always the case?)
As what I have shared about things that somebody have already posted,
the truth is, you will always be the outsiders and aliens.
It seems and sounds sad
But, from what I have experienced,
Crying, regretting or even, forcing entering that socially established structure
will never get you being accepted as one of them.
Worse, it might not help you achieving your own goal while you were there.
So, what I have decided and been doing recently is,
detach from the group, do my work, go home, and hang out with other circles.

Unlike, in Indonesia, when you enter one work circle,
it is important to be the part of the circle, therefore, you will get your work done nicely.
I think, even a foreign worker, if he/she can speak Indonesian,
do like what Indonesian do, it is highly possible to be admitted as part of the group.
There might be little groups within that group, however, there is  a feeling of
belong to this general group.
From what I heard, Indonesians are known to be very friendly and warm,
I think it is in our nature, to us, it is natural
for foreign people, probably for Japanese, such treatments will be highly appreciated,
since they might not found in their own country, in which, hierarchy and
the fact that you have the same nationality are things that get them into each other
Outsiders will always be the outsiders, no matter what the outsiders do.

Therefore, if you go to Japan and stay for quite long time,
my best advices would be,
1. showing all of your personality is useless, here, the more important is identity as a group,
show what is necessary, other things unrelated, keep it for yourself or for your foreign friends.
2. do your BEST work, good is never enough. And keep it constant. They might seem not care about you, but behind your back, they watch you closely,  they test you without even letting you know. (this is why also I said to you the first point)
3. be nice and polite in appropriate level. Do not expect if you are friendly to them, they will also do the same. Do not expect, they will get closer to you, when you try to get closer to them.
4. after you have done your work, get out. You might hang out with them a couple of times, again, it will not be a guarantee you are considered as one of them.
5. hang out with other circles. This circle only work out for your professional goals. It is not for making friends. If you have friends (a REAL one), good for you! it is a bonus! Be thankful for it. If you do not have, stop regretting, get out and find other circles.
6. do not worry if you can not speak japanese, even if you can speak japanese, it is not a guarantee, you will be accepted for what you are. Do not be discouraged. If this place can no handle you, there are still other countries (and your own country) will welcome you.

Leaving My Heart Opened

He has entered my life unexpectedly
I had moved on from the previous shipwereck
and too afraid to open my heart
But then, his caring and kindness might attract me once again
and when I realized I have once again opened my heart
to another chance

I did not open my heart without any consideration
His friend, who is my friend too, told me,therefore, convinced me
that his friend likes me, adores me, but he does not want to loose me.
To him, he was nothing compared to me
As a man, he should provide for his spouse and family
And so, even he forced me to tell him that he has feeling for me
he will have nothing to offer for me
They were all not exactly his words, but my friend can read his mind,
and some came from his questions to my friend.
On the other side, he is a gentleman;
I want to believe he is

But on the other side, I am to tired to wait
I have enough with this uncertain stories of relationship
anymore
I am tired to be rejected,
catching false signs,
falling into some false hopes

Is leaving my heart opened too risky?
is it worth the probable good relationship
which might come?
or will it never come?
I was very confident that I can live myself
without any companion
It is my calling
At least, I thought, it was....

My friends said, you will never find out
until you open your heart to any possibilities
Yet, sometimes, for me, leaving my heart opened
might as well mean leaving my wound opened.
An almost cured recent wound
Which took one and half years to cure

It is much easier to close everything
to find comfort in God`s love
Besides, no human love can be equal like God`s
Does leaving your heart opened to someone else
mean God`s love is not for you?
Not enough, you still want someone loves you,
someone that physically real?
Do I now sound a little bit pathetic?

It is what it is

Pretty much sums up what I have experienced during my study here

http://www.thejapanrants.com/blog/working-with-japanese-people/

God's Message: Righteousness and Priority

I want to share you some great messages I got from attending the mass service in Jubilee Church while I was in South Korea; it was great I want to share in this blog!

the main reading was from Matthew 5:6; and talk about hunger and thirst about righteousness;

1. Nothing in this world can satisfy your sole appetite aside God. Admit and recognize you are a sinner, and you need His grace and love to survive. The hunger and thirst in this verse not about mid hungry for the next meal; it's about if you dont get it, you will die

2. Righteousness is not about doing right thing, is about having right relationship ( right relationship) , in this case, esp with God.
Listening is the key

3. Fulfilling your hunger and thirst to righteousness does not replace your other hunger; it replaces other hungers in the appropriate places. Esp; if you want to pursue famousity, after recognizing God, you want to make God famous through your life

Gifts from My Vacation

Enjoyyyy!

LED Festival Tokushima 2013

Got a chance to go to LED fest in our city :)

Enjoy!!!

Loving Others

Today, I went to the catholic church,
I was strucked by the devotion time, the sentences that I heard were about
`you love others not like you love yourself but like Christ has loved you`
then the other sentence came out,
`does not matter whether those people hurt you,  do not like you, or even, do not do anything to you,
as a christian, and like Christ, you have to love them.`
The possible rejection was supposed not to be feared.
Nor people`s judgement.
You just have to do what you have to do
like Christ does.

Regret

Yesterday's regret: I have to lie to one of people I actually do not want to lie.
What is worse,
I did it intentionally.
May God forgive me.

SIlly Yet True Love Quotes (Indonesian language)

Got this inspiration while chatting with my friends

Kalau kau hanya bisa bertepuk sebelah tangan, tepuklah pipimu, dengan begitu, kau akan tersadar dan kembali ke dunia nyata.

Cinta itu bagaikan PCR (polymerase chain reaction), ada saatnya denaturasi, namun ada pula waktunya untuk annealing, dan pada akhirnya elongasi ;D

The Reason

I was surfing on internet to search for some research materials while streaming on one of national news channel. They were talking about what is happiness and what can we do to make ourselves still happy during stressful events.

One of the callers said his job was actually considered as a highly respected job, people acknowledged his achievements. However, sometimes he did not enjoy  his job anymore since he was often trapped in stressful condition because he could not reach his own expectation. People said he aimed to high. Yet, he thought that he has to aim high in order to make himself move forward. He asked what he should do? He also wanted to be content and happy with his job now, but he did not want to loose his target that has made him move forward until now?

The guest speaker answer really hit me.
He said the one thing you have to realize is what is your reason in doing your job?
in aiming high target?
what will you gain if you have your achievements?
will it make you happy?
will it make more people happy?
sometimes people are so busy in aiming high things without knowing
what is the meaning of reaching it.
when people forget about it, people will loose the meaning of his job
and eventually they might become not enjoying what they do anymore
thus feel unsatisfied, and of course
not happy with themselves

Somebody that I used to know

Aside, of course, my sensei, he was one of my scientist role model here.
He was very dilligent
No complaints.
He taught student patiently.
And with every strength.
At least, that`s what I knew during one half year working under his training.
I even thought I want to be a scientist with such quality.

Then, he changed.
I don`t know whether it is correlated or not
yet after that person came and became his assistant
and his close friend,
while I became his outer circle
(although he said he never throw me away and all that crap that we are friends)
He never dedicated most of his time thinking about research anymore
He was more into games
He did things just to be done, not because he likes doing it.
Recently, he had new job to teach
He did not even start yet, he already complained about
how difficult it would be
that it was useless
that he will not make it
that he did not want to do it
he was a defeat even before trying to do it
He changed
I am sad for him

He might have reasons

maybe his father`s condition was going down hill
maybe he now has another priority, like having a family
maybe, I will not ever understand
He is a different person to me
The one I knew has died, no longer here
He is a stranger

He is just somebody that I used to know

Pink Night

Left campus early yesterday to take sakura pics at nite
Enjoy!

Changing to someone different from you used to be

So, we had this conversation about my senpai`s plan to go to wedding plan
where his ex will be in the same table.
That person then said, `why don`t you change to be someone that really different from now.`
He answered that he could not but might have to do, then he talked about something I did not understand fully.

But then it came to the point when he said, `I don`t know how to do that. I have never changed myself.` I think I rose my eyebrows that time unconsciously. I wanted to say that he was so fake.
My senpai continued his story then I said,`Maybe some people do that because they think it was so hurtful if they do not change perfectly to somebody else.` I was still in awe about things he said in front of others. Did he said that for real or he just never realized that he has changed and treated some people like he never recognized at all. For example: me? Helloooo!!!
Anyway, I just needed to write it down in order to make it stay out of my head. So I will not think too much about that.

Platina Data

I have watched this movie a couple of week ago
Just want to share some pics I got from the pamphlet and some thoughts about issue pointed out by the movie.
Apparently, things that they do concerning platina data has been really done, if not been pursued   by the U.S. There have been efforts to develop program that can analyze the genomic data and manifest the result in facial and body construction of each person. However, whether there are violation in using the data has not been reported publicly. The movie pointed out how sensitive this matter could be beside how useful the nationally compiled genomic data can be. I think it will be very great if every country or government could invest in such research project. However, they also have to prepare the law about it. Failing to overcome the rising crime type of misusing the data especially by the authorities itself would lead into a chaos for the country itself. Let alone if the data fall into other country`s spy (especially when these countries are involved in unhealthy competition or even obvious war)

Taking Doctoral Course

I ate lunch with my friend today under the sakura tree in front of my new building
We then talk about what we have learnt during our study as a doctoral student.
We talked about our burden as a foreign student and sometimes it can be quite crappy with the supervisors.

Then she told me when she watched the PhD movie, there was this one scene in which a master course student told the professor that he/she wanted to continue with the doctoral course. The professor then said that taking this kind of decision is like taking decision to enter a marriage with 70 percent possibility of divorce. My friend said that was a true story. In fact, she is now facing through `a divorce` with her supervisor. That surprised me in a way since I too have a problem with mine. We arrived at a conclusion in which I feel like a confirmation of what I have learnt a couple of days ago, which is, sometimes there are relationships that does not end well. And sometimes it is not entirely our fault. When we have tried our best to maintain the relationship but the other party does not give any effort with the same level, the chances are none but going downhill. Staying together will only make things worse and result in bigger damage. In her case, her physical health, in my case, mental state.

Different culture sometimes can be a big deal. Especially, if only one person has been outside the country. That person may adapt easier or at least more flexible than the other that only know one part of the world for the rest of his/her life. As a result, this kind of gap leads to misunderstandings. Actually, it can be overcome by communicating or confirming or discussing. However, in some culture that considers confrontation ( even the healthy one ) as a big no no and a threat to the entire member harmony, this party then tends to retract him/herself or avoid the problems or the person with she/he has the problem instead of trying to solve it. Finally, well, you know how the rest of the story will be. Another thing what I learnt also is that, as a foreign, no matter how right you think you are, no matter how nice and (seemingly) understand a native can be to you, the person will only be the same side of the other native. After all, you are the foreign one. So, do not take it personally.

I said to her but sometimes I can not deny the guilty feeling of making that kind of decision.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough.
If only I can be more patient.
But my friend then said, if there is only one thing she learnt these 3 years, that would be
sometimes it is ok (and healthy) to say no on something.
There is a limit as a person you can not bear
Try to cross will only destruct yourself
On that very moment, you just have to know your limit
and stop forcing yourself


Well, this is the bad side that you might experience during taking a doctoral course.
Abroad, especially.
It might not scientifically affected you as a researcher
but as a human being, apparently, it affects your life.
So do not overlook this kind of problem
When you know, as a team, you are not working it out
It might as well be the time to quit it
You will not hinder your former partner, and so won`t he/she.
In my case, thankfully, I do not have to state it directly to my big boss
(I desperately wanted to but at that time I consider I will put his career or position at the line, and I might be the enemy of the state)
As my senpai said, he might have known from other parties. Or probably from him (which is not fair since that would mean he did not confirm it to me about what happened)
And, as you know, the decision for me has been made.

Giving Up

Yesterday, I found out that we will be officially in different group

But there was something bothered me when sensei said that I have to cooperate with him on some course. So, I decided to ask himself to confirm until which part we are going to collaborate.

And with a cold and very intense facial expression, he said to me, `I will only work on this thing, about that thing, it will be all for you for your academic sake. I will not work on that at all.`

I have to say, I was a little bit shock because the tone on his voice told me that he really does not want anything to do with me anymore whatsoever. On the other side, I was a little bit relieved, since that means his bullying attitude on me will be officially over. He will not and can not bully me at all with his hot and cold attitude. And then he left.

Later, my senior came and we talked about the result of the meeting. 

I told him what happened. Out of my expectation, he said,

`Well that is what you hope for right? You want to work by yourself. I think Sensei also understood that there was something wrong with your relationship and it was hard to collaborate.That was because everyone know already. `

I was shocked (again)

I feel so misunderstood. 

First of all, the reason I want to break free was because he did not change despite of my efforts to improve myself in order to improve my relationship with him. I can not stand his bullying attitude me in which he excluded me starting from the experiment and socially. 

Moreover, that was not because I entirely want to work alone. He cleverly conditioned me to do things and work alone. So, on the eyes of the others, they will see I only want to work alone. 

Secondly, it appears the more I talk the more I became so misunderstood. Yet, on the other side, if I do not talk, people will think I am OK, while I AM NOT with things he did towards me. Nevertheless, my opinion appeared was not considered as important as his or any other members that might influence sensei`s opinion towards me. This kind of thing made me feel, again, despite of my staying here almost three years, I will always be the outsider, although everyone try to convince me that this lab is your family. That I am not alone. It is so contradicting. 

Then, I asked him what should I do towards him, acting like he was a stranger?

he said to me it was not necessary like that, besides, if the relationship getting worse, everyone around me will be in trouble. 

Well, I am not the one who try to worsen this thing.

I tried my best to be more cheerful, to give him space, not talking or asking him private or unnecessary thing!

Every single effort that I do did not change his response to be friendlier, at least, closer with his attitude one and a half year ago. 

and then my senpai said, `well, he is already an adult`

I was silenced at the moment. Excuse me!!! in which part of his attitude refers to adulthood?

Are you trying to say that I am not an adult?

In my logic, if an adult have a problem, well, you try to clarify, confront, and finish it with benefit for both of the party. That was not happening in my case and him. 

I said to him I can not act like he is a stranger because of the good things happened between us one and half years ago. and silently in my heart, I say because unlike him, I can not throw away a friend. 

He tried to be on that person side saying, `you have to know that he was also trying to be good at you. you have to understand that. Sometimes, although both of you try to improve with your own way, the result will not be any better. Things like that happened.`

Then I lost it. 

I cried in front of my senpai, saying, `It was like. After all these things happened, it has to end like this. It was such a pity.`
Senpai said, `maybe he also has given this up. Maybe because you did not do things he wanted you to do. He told you, but you won`t listen. For example about your earphone. You still did that eventhough he said to you he did not like it.`
`i have my reasons, I did that to calm my thoughts and my stress. Without that, I can not handle my stress. I can not do anything without it. Besides, for things that I know I have to aware, I did it without the music.`
Senpai said he understood, but may be that person will not.
Besides, on the other hand, I know he did his operation hearing radio, he also sometimes did his experiment hearing music. It was like licking your own saliva,right??!?!?!
It was not fair.

We talked some more I could not remember. Then my senpai said, `may be you have to give up all of your efforts. The only thing you can do right now is to change yourself from within, be happy and cheerful. Be polite and kind to him regardless his response would be bad or good. Act like you want to act.`, he then continued, `besides, he was not a bad person, you know.`

I still want to believe it too. But his attitudes were contradictive with what my senpai believed. 

You know, he has an advantage of an image of good person. 

No one will ever trust me about things that he had done to me.

That was because no one has witnessed them.

I guess that was a thing of being bullied.

You can not talk. 

You can only be silence about it.

The more you talk the more you will suffer.

Anyway, back to the topic

at the very least, this awkward moment will end soon within these weeks.

I think my senpai is right

My attitude should not be influenced by his response. 

It will not be better, let alone the same like it used to

But I have things to look forward on to. 

I still have friends that I can lean on 

And of course, I still have God. 

I have to forgive and forget 

the last part is the most difficult thing to do. 

I consult with a friend in my country to, what should I do to a person who is not even trying to improve our relationship. Should I stop trying? What would Jesus do?

Then his answered hit me, `You know the pharisee? in the end, Jesus leave them with their stubbornness. He let them believe in what they want to believe. He had done everything he done. But when they still reject everything He offered, it ended just like that. 

Another confirmation about what should I do about this

Giving it up